Thursday, May 5, 2016

DAY 1—The Good & the Guilt

Connor's picture of me!
The clock on my phone says 11:20AM and I am standing in the music studio, not at my son’s school where a special Spring Tea started 20 minutes ago. 

As the last two clients walk out the door, I drop everything and run for my car pausing to say goodbye to my friend Amy. I watch the clock at every traffic light, while I ride behind someone going 5 miles UNDER the speed limit and as I pull into the school—it now reads 11:50AM. 

I pause, my hand on door handle, there are only 10 minutes left, is it worth it? Will he be more upset that I am late? What will the other parents think? Then I remember what Amy yelled as I was leaving, "you are showing up, 98% of success is showing up, you are doing it!" And then I am sprinting toward the school… Running down the hallway... I come to a dead stop at the door—they are singing… I see the other kids sneaking waves to their punctual parents, while my guy is holding hands with a teacher. My confidence gently slipping off my body, leaving behind a slight chill. But I stand there. I stand there watching from the window, my heart half broken, half bursting. 

When they were finished, I went in slowly only to have him jump into my arms, grinning ear-to-ear. And to think I almost stayed in the car! I was so grateful I took a breath, swallowed my desire to run away and threw off the blanket of guilt I was starting to hide underneath. Because I could have gotten real comfy there, wrapped in the warmth of regret and remorse for letting him down. But Amy was right, it’s all about showing up, showing that you are there, showing that they are worth it.

And you know what? Even though I missed 52 minutes of party, the last 8 were everything. He showed me the stunning picture he made of me, {giant red face, is anyone out there shocked by that? Yeah, didn’t think so…} we chatted with his friends and walked to the car hand in hand… 

It was not perfect, but it was worth it.

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