Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Mind Over Matter, Matters of the Mind

I am sitting calmly reading a book on the train, when out of nowhere I am hit with what feels like a physical wave of heat. It laps over my body again and again, quickly joined by a rush of anxiety. My nerves suddenly so raw that I get a metallic taste in my mouth every time I feel a surge. My head begins to pound, my right eye blurs, I see dark spots and get tunnel vision. My legs, arms, hands are all shaking as a tingling, numbing sensation creeps up my legs and across the right side of my face. I feel faint, desperate for air, afraid I am going to be sick. Filled with a fight-or-flight response, I feel like I am dying. I need air, I need air, I need air.

This summer I started having panic attacks and they go a little like that.

And I didn't tell anyone.

I was embarrassed, ashamed that I let my mind rule my body. I looked at these moments as my weakest. I told myself to snap out of it, to be rational, to just knock it off. But all it did was make it worse.

One day I called a friend who I knew would understand. In that moment, I felt a shift. Since then I have felt a little lighter and I have been talking about it more and more—and discovering that other women, especially moms, are going through similar things….

I am not better, but I am a little better and you know what? A little better is a little better. I know there is a light, that this is cope-able, if not fixable, and that I won't feel like this forever.

I am posting this as a way to free myself a little more from the anxiety and to say to anyone else experiencing this that I get it, I understand, let's take a deep breath and move forward together.

1 comment:

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